Love Pain And Tears<--->When Is It Going To End?

Just Like A Lil Online Diary.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

Well we got where we were going and only to see
that we are not really wanted here, which is funny because we are at my
Grandmother's house. I don't think she like's any of us very much. Well my
Dad maybe but only because that is here baby boy. I over heard my
Grandmother and her friend talking about my mother. Needless to say I am
kindda peeved off. Oh yeah and Tim has been sleeping ever since we have got
here. He is so useless. I asked him not to work this Saturday because I
wanted to do something Friday night, anything at all would have been fine as
long as we didn't have to stay in the house like we always do. But no. He
asked me last night is I wanted to go to the coffee shop, (of course to see
his mother GGGrrrrr) and I said yeah fine. So I got a shower did my make-up
and fought to get Cheyl to bed and then fought with my Mother to baby-sit
just so I could go out for an hour just for him to turn around and tell me
that he was not going because it was to late. I can't stand his crap
anymore. I lost it last night I couldn't stop crying. Do you think that he
would even hold me? NO that is what the big fight was about last night. I
know he doesn't care about me anymore. He always say's he loves me but I
know that the feelings aren't there. They haven't been for awhile. Anyway I
guess I better go for now ttyl.

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I really don't know how much more of this I can take before I break down. I guess I didn't say anything before but I live with my parent's, 4yr old daughter and Tim is staying here because I am about ready to have this baby anytime. Last night we yet again had friday night fight night. Of course it started off between me and Tim and as always my Mom got involved. I can't stand this crap anymore. My mom hate's Tim, Tim don't care about anything and She is always on my back about him even if he is here or not. Nobody cares that I have this baby inside of me, nobody cares if they stress me out, all I got to hear about is them. There all selfish. Anyway I must follow the B****'N'Holla clan out the door now as we have to go out and play like we're a real family. FUN FUN FUN

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

I went to my obgyn's today, she said that the baby is still head down and I am one centimeter dilated. So I guess it's just a matter of playing the waiting game! The last month is always the hardest and most painful. Cheyl's got another friend over today, Oh Joy! Just what I need to babysit. Man I'll tell you some people just don't think! Anyway Tim is at work, good place for him. That's all he talks about. "work work work" or "the guy's at work". He even does it in his sleep every night. I'm dead serious! It's ssssooooo sickening. Like you never hear him saying he can't wait to be a Daddy or anything he's gonna do with the baby. Like it would be nice to hear him say in his sleep, "Come to Daddy" or something like that, but no it's always work related. Anyway today is a hot day, even sitting there being so fat I'm sweating! I can't wait until this baby is outta me, I swear I'll never do it again. Not that I won't do IT again, I just won't get pregnant again! Well I guess I better go for now. Cya

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Well I thought today was the day that I would have the baby. As I was standing out at the bus stop to take my four year old to school I was in so much pain, but no breaking of the water so..............It feels like there will be another hundered years of this little thing inside me streching my insides to death! I feel like this all is never going to end! Oh well....we lost our cell phone connection yesterday. (un-paid bill) So hopefully I can get them to turn it back on today just incase I gotta go to the hospital. Anyway I guess I better go for now, If I'm feeling good I'll write more later

Monday, May 10, 2004

Well another day. I'm still pregnant which is really getting to me. The doctor told me that I could go any day now but she's not coming. Che (my daughter) had her first sleepover last night, that didn't go over very well. The little girl she had sleep over goes to bed at 7:30pm and home and Che goes to bed at 9:00pm well amagine this none of them went to bed until 11:00pm and guess what else? My daughter at 10:00pm said that she didn't want her friend to sleep over anymore and she thought I was to walk her home! Yeah right! Then the little girl got up twice through the night and she was standing right behind me while I was sleeping and out of nowhere in a loud voice I would hear Taaannnnya. Scared the hell outta me. All I could think was damn if that was a killer I'd be dead cause I had no idea anyone was around me! All is fine between the girl's this morning, but I gave Tim heck before he left for work. He get's up, light's a smoke which even tho I'm sleeping or at least trying to I get to smoke it anyway, he leaves all the lights on in the house and he turns on the TV and doesn't even shut it off when he's done. All this at 5:00 am and I'm the one that's pregnant and stayed up with the kid's and got up with them when they got up in the middle of the night not him. Then on top of it all I have a old cat that's gone kindda nut's, she sleeps out in the hall and everytime you go near her she meow's repetidly, well he went downstairs and left the door open so the cat coming in and out meowing,I'm trying to sleep and so are these girl's. I could have kicked his *ss this morning!

Sunday, May 09, 2004

Well I don't even know where to start........Put it this way, I had the best boyfriend 2 and a half years ago and now he is a self absorbed a**h*le. We talked about having a baby about a year and a half after we started going out (considering I already have one from a previous relationship)the thought didn't bother him any. Infact it was him that wanted to get pregnant to begin with. Well needless to say now I am pregnant and he is the biggest ahole I have ever seen. When I was about 3-4 months pregnant he pushed me around without even thinking twice. Now at 8 and a half months pregnant he is out drinking at the bar when he is to be at work, he told me that he really wouldn't care if we were to break up and he said that we should live together for the kid's but he should have a girlfriend and I should have a boyfriend. When I was 3 months pregnant he was also on the computer looking for another relationship. So why am I still here you ask? Because I love who he was and I don't want to believe this is who he really is. I have never felt like such a useless dirt. He always made me feel loved the first year and a half of this, everyday he told me how pretty and smart I was, now all I pretty much hear is that I am a dumb b****. Today was mother's day and out of all the time we have been together he has always got me something, this year I got nothing not even a card......I took everyone out for DQ and I had to pay cause he told me he had no money, then we went to shoppers drug mart and he bought himself a fifteen dollar cooler. Nice of him to treat himself for mother's day. Then on the way back we told Che that we would take her to the park, and of course I was a lil upset like what mother wouldn't be? And he said to me what the hell is your problem? And then he said I'm not taking Cheyl to the park, and I said yes you are you told her that you would and the I said why because there ain't nothing in it for you you won't take her? Then he said fine I'll take her but you can go home and F***ing stay there. OK well I gotta go for now I can't handle to write about this anymore.